17 July 2008

10 Geek Things I Just Can't Geek Out For

Apologies for using ‘geek’ as a noun and a verb in one sentence.

Let me add that I’m pretty much a geek for anything. However, there are a few things I just can’t get on board with:

10. Action Figures. I always think to myself, Man, it would be so cool to have that IG-88 Assassin Droid! But then I think, Why? I mean really, why? If I can’t have every action figure--or be ten years old again--I don’t want any of them.

9. Batman Begins. I’ll be going to see The Dark Knight pretty soon, I guess, but I’m not that jazzed about it. Maybe it’s just my Marvel/D.C. bias, but I’m tired of the Batman character and Batman Begins, while well made, was pretty long and one-note.

8. Slow Motion. I hate slow motion. I hate action scenes that employ slow motion. I hate action scenes that come after action scenes that have employed slow motion. I especially hate the whole notion of “bullet time.” The only thing worse than slow motion is hyper action scenes with flash editing.

7.The Battlestar Gallactica Reboot. I’m not partial to the original or anything--in fact, I remember nothing about it except for Dirk Benedict’s hair--but this new version is so unrelentingly grim, and its characters are so continually miserable, that I fail to see how anybody can watch it for more than few minutes. Same goes for Star Trek: Deep Space Nine and Babylon 5.

6. Babes In Black Rubber (or Leather). From Carrie Ann Moss in The Matrix to Kate Beckinsale in those awful Underworld movies, I am entirely unmoved by pouring an attractive woman into what looks like leftover glop from a Firestone factory.

5. Lost. Honestly, who cares about what happens to these dolts? (Apart from my wife, who is probably already irate with me after my comments about Battlestar Gallactica.)

4. Pissing On CGI Effects. Do I really need to list some of the horrendous matte shots, creature effects and model work from the first hundred years of cinema? Because there’s a LOT of it.  Yes, CGI is done badly a lot of the time.  But everything in most movies is done badly these days.  Why limit yourself?

3. Amateur YouTube Fare. I’ve tried it, I don’t get it. Listening to some doofus do shtick for five minutes just doesn’t amuse me.

2. Online gaming. I haven’t had my Xbox 360 hooked up to the Internet since we moved and I’m in no hurry.

1. Anime. I’m sorry, but this stuff is unbearable in its subtitled form and embarrassing when it’s dubbed.

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