17 November 2008

8 Deaths That Are No Longer Good Enough For The Bad Guy

In recent years, the escalation principle of entertainment has demanded that, in any given film, the bad guy must meet his demise in a protracted and extravagant a method as possible. As a public service for aspiring screenwriters, I will list the methods of extermination that no longer cut the mustard:

1. Stabbing. Exceptions to be made for improbably blunt instruments (garden gnomes, lawn furniture, football thrown really hard into the chest by cyborg quarterback, etc.).

2. Shooting. Shooting? Like, with a gun? I mean, come on, what are we? Little girls? Little girls with two vaginas each?

3. Regular (i.e. less than 200 lbs of TNT) explosion. Special accommodations made for detonations that originate within one or more bodily orifices.

4. Devouring by non-esoteric breed of animal. Exceptions here are any breed of normally not vicious animal (moose, kangaroo, dolphin, etc.) or mass numbers of very small animals (many mongooses or voles, for example).

5. Fall from great height. There is simply no altitude high enough to drop a villain from and have it mean anything. Even an “orbital entry” death would probably make us yawn.

6. Betrayed and killed by former girlfriend. Sure, James Bond or Batman or whoever has slept with her and cleared her head, but, still, getting shot or stabbed, or kissed with poison lipstick by a super hot chick is too nice a way to go out.

7. Tried and convicted and sentenced to death in Texas or Florida. Good enough for minors and the mentally retarded, but not nearly good enough for Hans Gruber.

8. Kitten “cuteness”. This was never an acceptable execution method.