26 August 2009

The Least Effective Fight Moves Ever

Ralph Macchio Asks Malfoy's Cousin To Dance

Set Up: A kid beset by tapeworms is being picked on by rich, buff, well-coifed bullies. Said bullies have been trained over a number of years in the art of removing human beings from their structural integrity by a psychopath who thinks Guns And Ammo Magazine is part of the "liberal media". Challenged to fight, Tapeworm Kid spends the summer painting fences, posing for Tiger Beat and, amazingly, losing more weight.

The Move: Standing on one leg, he prepares to... WTF?

Don't Try This Move Because: Well, if you're built like Ralph Macchio, you probably SHOULD do this move. Because freaking look at your arms, kid! 


I haven't been this concerned for an actor's wrists since Sarah Michelle Gellar "worked the heavy bag" in a Buffy episode.

Apparently, if you do this properly, your opponent "no can defend". Yes, sir: balancing on one foot during a speed-based melee is excellent strategy. Unless, of course, your opponent shifts six inches to the left.

Luke Skywalker's Off-Balanace Pull Of The Jedi

Set Up: Luke Skywalker, long time power converter aficionado and Jedi Messiah, hurls himself heroically against the hull of Jabba The Hutt's sail barge and comes face to face with a hideous, if somewhat groggy (in a "Monday morning, pre-coffee" kind of way) gun-toting alien mercenary.

"Excuse me, is this the casting call for The Last Starfighter?"

The Move: With all the dazzling speed of an unsupported actor hanging on to a large set detail for dear life, Luke reaches out and grabs the henchman. With a gentle tug that might or might not have dislodged a mattress label (okay, not) Luke sends Mr. Ugly soaring to his doom and that great alien hootenanny in the sky... er, bird-beaked, toothy anus in the sand.

Don't Try This Move Because: Alas, pulling down sharply on the forearm of an enemy combatant usually fails to clear them from the ground. Of course, having the Force helps. However, Luke's subsequent scratching at the slick and unyielding space plastic of Jabba's barge (think: cat, think: shower curtain) make it pretty clear summoning the Force is currently out of the question. As is asking the Key Grip for a boost.

Mr. Wiggles, welcome to the Carbon Chamber!

The Major Frank Sinatra Karate Chop.

Set Up: Frank Sinatra comes face to face with that guy. You know, THAT guy. You know. The one who was cast as every ethnicity on Earth except "clearly white" and "obviously black". Immediately offended by each other's overacting, they launch into what was, for 1963, the equivalent of a "Bourne Identity" action scene.

The Move: Keeping as rigid and tense as humanly possible, Ol' Blue Eyes jerkily assaults everything--the spy, the house plants, even a defenceless night table.

"That's the worst 'Three Coins In A Fountain' I've Ever Heard--Take That! Also, I Just Shit Myself!"

Don't Try This Move Because: There's nothing wrong with using karate. Frank Sinatra's version of karate, however, involves butt-clenching tension that is liable to do you more injury to your GI tract than to your enemy.

Captain Kirk, Flying Douche Of Death

Set Up: James Kirk is not to be messed with.

The Move: Rather than punch, fly.

Rather than kick, jump.

Only don't jump kick, which is a real thing, but throw your whole damn body into it.


Don't Try This Move Because: You are not James T. Kirk. James T. Kirk is not delivering any force here, because he used it all in take off. He is not generating any kick power, cause he's stuck up in the air. These attacks work for James T. Kirk because James T. Kirk HAS HUGE BALLS.

The Indiana Jones Double Punch

Set Up: Attempting to escape with a valuable prop from the set of 1982's Believe It Or Not TV show, Indiana Jones, globe-trotting ambassador of grumpiness and running funny, dukes it out with a Soviet military office roughly the size of god's luggage.

The Move: Even as a young man, Dr. Jones's pugilistic style was a bit (we'll be polite) "granny-esque". Here, he clobbers the Commie troublemaker first with a right backhand and second with a more traditional left hook.

I wish this were video, cause here he looks cool. Imagine more spinning.

Don't Try This Move Because: Well, for one, it presupposes that the first time you hit him he's not even going to stagger... so why are you bothering? Second, the devastating nature of Indy's mind-boggling fisticuffs come mostly from top notch Foley effects (I believe that's the sound of TNT-packed watermelons hitting the sidewalk we're hearing). You wont have that going for you. Your punches are going to sound like old lady sneezes.

Sonny Corleone's Whiffs Of Wonder And Bitey Bite

Set Up: Gangster and strategically shaved Wookie James Caan doesn't like that his sister is being "fake beaten" by her husband, so he tracks him down to the set of Do The Right Thing and "fake beats" him back.

The Move: Step One, clearly miss him with every punch. Step Two, once he's reeling, bite him on the knuckles with all your recess play-yard fury.

Manly, yes?

Don't Try This Move Because: For starters, not everybody's gonna play make believe with you and snap their head around like it's being pummelled. As for the biting, one could simply snap their hand back and clock you pretty good. (see directly below)

Batman "Stops Short"

Set Up: Deceptively undercover as an eighties screen comedian, the Dark Knight swoops in to deal out plastic-enhanced fist justice to what I can only imagine is a touring road company of Guys & Dolls.

The Move: Clearly having installed a neck brace into his costume after some sort of whiplash-inducing brawl with the Riddler, a rudimentarily mobile Batman strikes one of the Joker's henchmen with a modified tennis backhand.

Don't Try This Move Because: Very likely, you do not wear what I can only assume are gloves heavily lined with some metal or another. Also, you will not be facing a chubby stew bum in a Zoot Suit. A regular person will respond to your blow--which has zero follow through--by gripping their tender, possibly bleeding nose and screaming "Dude, what the hell!?!""

No, pretty much still, "Dude, what the hell!?!"

The Patriot Flappity Flap Attack

Set Up: Fed up with fighting a battle the old fashioned way, Mel Gibson's patently ridiculous hero, Benjamin Martin, resorts to fighting with the new fangled technique of "symbolism."

The Move: Hauling up on what is clearly a too-heavy, too-cumbersome flag, Martin cues the slow mo and charges for British sack.

The real life inspiration for this guy was Francis Marrion. Two girl names, so this degree of phallic compensation might be historically plausible.

Don't Try This Move Because: You don't want to adopt a method of attack that looked slow and unwieldy to men who needed half an hour to reload their weapons.

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