3 November 2009

Google Images Is All You Need To Make Great TV!


Inspired by the endless parade of "weird mystery" shows on television, I've decided to let the Google Image Search Engine propel me to fame and fortune!

Cherry-picking from the first page results for the following phrases, I am pretty sure I can concoct some truly captivating television:
 
Man in a suit
Woman in a suit
Stern boss
Mystery occurrence
Really strange place
Russian mob

This is my lead. His character's name is Stack Lydell. Yeah, Stack is a pretty weird name, but everybody's just gonna call him Lydell anyway, in that way television characters do, slinging last names around like it's hip.
 
Also: Damn!





Lydell's a worldly fellow, despite the fact he just started shaving last week (hey, I have audience demographics to think of, here). He's an immigration agent, cause that's a fairly rare government agency for a television show and, after all, I'm aiming for "kooky". Also, making fun of foreigners, or pretending they're really spooky, never fails to entertain the U.S. viewer.
 
I was originally gonna cast this guy, but, damn it, he's just not "dark" enough for MY mysterious television show.


Now for Lydell's partner. (Gotta have a partner.) This is Charlie Krauss and guess what? Everybody's gonna call her Krauss. She's got a male name cause we're gonna masculinize the ever-loving crud out of her. That way, later, we can unexpectedly expose her vulnerable side.
 
Also, as much of her t*ts as nine pm will let us get away with.

Or maybe we'll make her a lesbian. Either way, Charlie's a non-nonsense city health inspector.  

Ah, see! You thought she was gonna be another immigration agent. Not at all. She's a local, see? That gives Lydell an excuse to be condescending towards her in an amusing manner. Cause if TV's taught me anything, it's that educated, trained professionals love to taunt each other like frat boy douche-bags. Back to the story, Krauss' investigation of a Russian immigrant restaurant is going to expose her to the "mystery". What Russian restaurant?
 
Freaking this one! Are you hooked now or what?

Obviously, these are not the appetizers. These are not blintzes. We are in the shady, fetus-laden back of the restaurant, right? Stay with me.

Lydell chased his quarry--a Russian teenager who humorously employs horrifically mangled urban slang--into the basement.

Krauss was down here, I dunno, taking a pee. (Women have to pee a lot, right?)  

Now, when I Googled "Russian mob" I got a lot of results, but I was kinda scared to use them. So here's Vladamir Putin. Why? Cause unlike all the other Russian mob guys I saw pictures of, if he ever sees this blog, he's too internationally famous to come to my home town and kill me with piano wire.
 
I'm hoping.

Putin plays the restaurant's owner, and the city's biggest gangster, Kitor "Hello Kitty" Rasputin. He may or may not be in on the show's "big mystery", I haven't decided.

Anyway, after Krauss and Lydell agree to work together, it's not long before Lydell's boss is reluctantly forced to disclose to them that there may indeed be a "big mystery".
 
His name is Artemis Ginger. Cause my show is quirky.

Ginger or may not be "in on it", too.  We only see him in his office, building replica ships inside bottles.  Also, in an ironic story-twist, it will at some point be revealed that Artemis Ginger, the head of the Immigration Task Unit Force is himself a Japanese illegal!

So Lydell and Krauss track down the Russian kid Lydell was chasing earlier. They have him cornered in an alley when, all of a sudden, he gets thrown around in front of the two agents by an invisible kinetic force.
 
A really hilarious invisible force.

Time for Lydell to get some assistant from his computer-nerd friend at the home base. We'll call her Phelia.
 
Not Ophelia. Phelia. How funky fresh is that? I knows my street!

Phelia's really smart and we find her non-existent love life frickin' hilarious. If Krauss isn't a lesbo by Season Three, Phelia's on deck. She sends our two heroes, sparks flying, to a variety of weird locations to see a variety of weird locations:
 
Strangely clean serial killer shack.

Action set-piece train.


Mega-Church with ample parking.

So now that you're undoubtedly hooked on my incredible show--I'm calling it "Dark Above"--I'll let you in on the "big mystery". I really should just tease the nards out of it and make you sit through ten to fifteen filler episodes per agonizing season, but I really thought up a pretty good mystery. It involves the Russian flesh trade and big agri-business and its origins date back to THIS guy--
Is this somebody famous? Probably. I hope I'm not defaming a guy who cured a disease or something.

Anyway, Kraus and Lydell have all these run-ins with these red-eyed assassins who carry sea shells capable of emitting deadly laser-light and-- --oh, too late--

--Fox just cancelled us.  Now we're cult.

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