24 January 2010

Top 10 Big Movies In 2009 I Had No Desire To See

I suspect 2009 was a worse year at the movies than average. I didn't see enough to say one way or the other.  For my own experience, I can think of only two standout movies I saw: Up and A Serious Man. 

There were several other movies I thought were okay or fine but which other people liked a whole lot more than me: Star Trek, Inglorious Basterds, Public Enemies, Harry Potter 6.  There were a couple of comic book geek curiosities that didn't soar as entertainments but I had to go see them anyway: Watchmen and X-Men Origins: Wolverine.  There were also a few movies I probably would have liked but didn't get to see: The Informant, Me And Orson Welles, Up In The Air. 

My list for 2009 isn't a Worst Of. Those are pointless. There's always  trash, even in good years.

A better indicator of what kind of year Hollywood had is how many high-profile projects just weren't that interesting...  

10. Angels & Demons

I don't know what choice of subject could lure me into another one of Ron Howard's cookie-cutter experiences. Hardcore celebrity porn, perhaps. Or a snuff film. Anything else, and good old Ron will hunt it, kill it, eat the remains, and poop out exactly 119 minutes. 

9. Brothers

When Young American Actors Go Operatic, tonight on "World's Hardest To Watch Videos".  

8. A Christmas Carol

They made ANOTHER one of these motion capture abominations? The portal to this shiny, dead-eyed dimension must not be opened again! 

Gah! Just GAH!

7. The International

Concept beats stars. This had stars but its concept was pairing an evil bank and lots of bland action. In an age of home movie theatres, a couple of pretty faces and a killer fiduciary institution are just NOT gonna cut it. 

6. Tie: Halloween 2/Saw VI

They're not really trying very hard with the horror anymore. I'm willing to bet that if the swarms of teens and early twenty-somethings who went to these had been accidentally shown the other without being told , they would not have noticed.   Maybe hours later, as they tweeted about it.  Damn kids and their tweets!

5. Law Abiding Citizen

Death Wish meets Hannibal meets The Jackal  meets Saw meets Script No. 2013342.

Some prison habits are hard to break... even if you've just left.

4. The Taking Of Pelham 123

I don't even know which of the Scott brothers directed this one. In the end, does it matter?

3. Terminator: Salvation

Everybody's seeming love for the mind-numbingly turgid Terminator and Terminator 2 was crushed by this second disastrous follow-up. (Apparently, there was a failed but not-quite-awful TV series around somewhere, too.)

I was willing to take on the whole "killer cyborg" thing when it was B-movie trash, and I could tolerate it when it was early nineties overkill. But who wants to see PG-friendly, pasteurized, oughts-friendly cyborg movies made by people who think the original two are "masterpieces"? 

Yeah, stick your finger in there, Batman.

2. Transformers 2

As if you couldn't guess.

I own a big screen TV, a fancy sound system and a Blu-Ray player and I'd still rather watch mono TV sitcom reruns than this.

What a truly bizarre age we live in that could simultaneously produce me, a middle aged man willing to watch a movie about giant transforming robots, and, at the same time, a marketplace unable to deliver a worthwhile giant transforming robots movie.  

1. Avatar

The sheer tonnage of self-congratulating cliché implied in JUST THE TRAILER was more than I could bear. 

On the bright side, it looks by level six there's a weapon upgrade.

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