7 December 2010

Top 10 (17) Big Movies In 2010 I Had No Desire To See

Just like last year, time to document how Hollywood failed to win me over.

These are the films that, despite a reasonable pedigree and decent intentions on the part of the filmmakers, I'd rather twist an ankle or get several paper cuts than go see.  Why?  Because there's nothing there.  No charm, no magic, no reason for being released in a theatre at all.  Their mediocrity is evident on a molecular level. 

Now some of the films listed below I'll no doubt one day watch on television, and one of them I was taken to on a family outing already.  These aren't bad films.  These aren't Bounty Hunter, or Sex And The City 2, or Saw3D.  Bad films of that sort creep out of their icky genre ghettos every year and are indicative of nothing.  Rather, what I find enlightening, is how many bread-and-butter pictures can be put out that should be slam dunk given the talent involved and yet don't have a clue about how tired, derivative, or uninteresting they are.


There are no sequels or remakes (per se) on this year's list, which is interesting.  All the mediocre dreck listed below is original mediocre dreck, at least ostensibly.  In the case of such films as Alice In Wonderland and Robin Hood, they are adapted dreck.  I couldn't limit the list to ten, just couldn't, but I did break it down into only ten spots.  Lumping together the formula pictures made it pretty easy.   "Obnoxious male and female mega-stars in high-octane espionage action film"?  Ugh. 

As for stuff I liked this year, sure, it existed.  I was entertained by Iron Man 2, How to Train Your Dragon and Harry Potter 7.5 and suitably if rather clinically impressed by Inception and Black Swan. Toy Story 3 was Pixar, so yada, yada, yada.  I'll see True Grit soon, too, cause the Coen Brothers are always worth a look.

10. Alice In Wonderland

Oh, Timmy, you're so weird.  Imagine.. making a career out of not caring about characters or scripts or anything that actually holds a movie together.   And, yeah, the visual junk is weird, too... I guess.

"Mr. Burton... we're ready to shoot... um, y'know... movie stuff?"

9.  Unstoppable/Book Of Eli

Far be it from me to knock the incredible Denzel.  I like him.  He's fine.  He's the black Harrison Ford with slightly less grump and better luck with projects.  But the flicks he chooses, or that choose him, are so relentlessly vapid:  swishy camera, color-tint, saturation, commanding Denzel line reading, swishy camera, color-tint, saturation, commanding Denzel line reading.

Google Images fails me again.  On the bright side,
apparently, handsome black actors really are unstoppable.

8.  Shrek Forever After/Tangled

Poor Disney.  They've been cross-contaminated.

It's not just the fact that Tangled is CGI, but that its ads also hint at emphasizing Shrek-style attitude.  No hint all of an involving, emotionally-diverse story, just gags, gags, gags.  Do they even sing in this one?  I have no idea. 

"You hear that, Buttercup?  We're going to the magic land of 'Computer'!"

7. Secretariat

Is this a trend now?  Horse movies?  Did a film producer really say--out loud-- "Hey, y'know that Seabiscuit movie sure went over big. I'm gonna guess that wasn't just novelty; I see a demand here.  Uplifting horse racing movies."

Apparently, big year for princesses and horses in the 
movies... just like the Internet every year.

6. Robin Hood

"Less colour, less adventure! Roll 'em!"

Hey, here's one thing didn't the Errol Flynn film definitely didn't have: poo storm.

5.  The Killers/Knight And Day

These two flicks came out a month or so apart, as I sketchily remember, providing their only entertainment factor: watching the least likable A-listers who've ever lived fail in exactly the same way as the least likable B-listers who could be bothered.

Every single picture I Googled for Knight And Day had them 
on a motorcycle... is that all that happens in this damn movie?

4.  Red/The Expendables

What's really sad about this pairing is that it should be a trio.  The movie The Losers should be included here, too, since it too was a slick, glibly violent movie about charming, quippy killers in a world of less humorous (and hence less adorable) killers who are all out to kill them instead.  I made the wife rent The Losers cause I mistakenly thought it might be good since it was free from star egos. Naw, nothing makes this sub-genre of barfy cute movies about "bad-ass" killers palatable.  Least of all stars, though.

Add Oscar winner for hilarity.

3.  Prince Of Persia/ The Soreceror's Apprentice

This year's PG-13, CGI POS's headed to TV and DVD PDQ.

And so the king looked out over his CPU processing power, and it was good.

2. Green Zone / Salt / The American / The Tourist

Here come the stars again, only the espionage action this time is thoughtful instead of ridiculous.  And by "thoughtful" I mean rote.  And by "rote" I mean "Je*** * f***** C***t!  Do I have to watch another of these not-tense-in-any-way, desaturated, shaky-cam nightmares!?!!"

If you can get a beautiful person to run through this scene 
while being chased by gunmen, apparently you have a movie.

1. Kick-Ass

In the top spot this year, a cheat.   Darn it, I'm just not ready for the superhero genre to be deconstructed yet.  Leave my men in tights alone!

Dweebs, c'mon!  Figure it out already, and tell Scott Pilgrim while you're at it: we should want to disappear inside the story, not inhabit and comment on it!  Gah!

"F*** you, Blog Guy."

1 comment:

Jacob Spickelmire said...

Kick-Ass wasn't bad -- a bit overrated & contrived, but not bad. The others, however, were quite terrible, or atleast the ones I saw were.