28 December 2011

Top Ten (Thirteen) Movies in 2011 I Had No Desire To See

This is my third such list, and if you want an explanation on why I think this is the sort of year-end list that matters, the others are here and here.  I had trouble trimming this year's list down, as usual. 

As for what I did go see this year, I didn't dig on many of the well thought-of movies this year--Harry Potter 7.2 and Hugo come to mind--but I had my fun with the superheroes.


10. Transformers 3 / Pirates 4

Even though I had the least interest in these particular returns to the well, I'm putting them in the 10 spot because honestly, who has the energy anymore?

It takes place on the dark side of the moon, 
but they think you can see the Earth from there.







9. Cars 2

Another sequel, but deserving of its own slot because it’s a rare item: a Pixar movie I didn't want to go see.  That was because it's a Pixar sequel to a Pixar movie that bored the socks off of anybody with the slightest concept of how much love and attention internal combustion automobiles actually deserve.

"Hyar, hyar..."  none.  NONE!


8. The Help

It's 2011.  If you sit in a theatre and see a one minute long trailer for a movie that claims to be about black vicissitudes in the American South and that trailer features approximately 45 seconds of Emma Stone smiling... or flouncing... or smiling and flouncing (which you should be called smouncing)… you should be laughing hysterically and also feeling a little nauseous.  I only got to do the latter during the theatrical trailer, cause nobody seemed interested in joining in with me for the former.

Thank God her story's finally being told.


7. Crazy, Stupid, Love

I have nothing against rom-coms: this is strictly a punctuation gripe.

I also get to use this photo... cause... cause it's funny... 
not any other reason...




6. Conan The Barbarian/ Immortals

The time when Sword & Sorcery could be produced theatrically has come and past.  You can find more boobs and better viscerally-charged blood spilling on HBO… during Curb Your Enthusiasm, more times than not.

"And this, this is a PG-13 orgy. 
Act impressed, you can almost see a nipple."


5. Battle: Los Angeles

Ooh, shaky cam and war porn?  The only way it could be less interesting and more depressing to my aging brain is if they'd cast it entirely with mixed martial artists and scored it in thrash metal.


Xbox boot up noise.


4. No Strings Attached/Friends With Benefits

Further proof that North American movie culture has been neutered.   Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis starred in films about having casual sex relationships and not only did I not want feel an urge to see the movies, but I haven't even bothered looking up the so-called "good parts" on Mr. Skin


Also, Kutcher.


3. J. Edgar

Clint Eastwo…. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

"It's that guy in the back row. Doesn't he know the Academy loves Clint?"


2. The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo

Funny this being here, cause I sat through the Swedish films with the wife.  They were exactly what I was expecting to see, having heard about the incredibly overrated potboiler novels written as an ultimate Marty Sue indulgence.  Add in David Fincher's penchant for being too David Fincher sometimes, and I disn't see this going anywhere I need to visit.

Middle-aged Swedish journalists take down Nazis and are catnip 
to damaged young vixens... they do not expire from heart attacks 
after walking up the stairs.


1. Sucker Punch

Definitely the winner, combining the "empty stylistic crap" feel of The Immortals with the "twelve year old cursing me out over a headset" feel of Battle: Los Angeles, and a "holy crap, this is too sexist-y and douche-y even for a blogger who still reads comics" that was all its own...

"Okay, ladies, tilt forward a little more: we need to see more... uh, empowerment!"



2 comments:

Jacob Spickelmire said...

I agree with all except for 'Dragon Tattoo' - the first movie in two years I've even considered adding to my top 100. It is a gem, if you ever feel so inclined to watch it.

Type12point said...

Hey, Fincher can be pretty cool; 'bout the worst thing you can say about him is sometimes his style's a little easy to anticipate. And, y'know, I've seen the material (not my fave) before--plus two sequels--so it's like deja vu, all over again, but in new hues of green. That's all.